How do you know when your girlfriend's too fat?
She sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
You haven't, really? They're making headlines.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark . . .

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knocking keeps getting faster and he doesn't know when to come in.

How do you get a bass player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

What do you call a woman who can suck a pingpong ball up a forty foot garden hose?
Darling.