filkertom | In Which There Is Pie (Reply)

First, it is entirely possible you will not be the audience for this. 'Sokay.

Second, a brief explanation, for my HP-fanfic-challenged friends.

Y'see, those who are fans of a particular romantic relationship in the Harry Potter books are called "shippers". This metaphor has been extended to the point that there's a whole bloody virtual HP navy. We Harry/Hermione shippers are, for obscure reasons, sailing HMS Pumpkin Pie.

Which led to this, without question the most fangirlish thing I have ever written.

THE GOOD SHIP PUMPKIN PIE
Words: © 2005 by Tom Smith
Music: "The Mary Ellen Carter" by Stan Rogers

She went down July 16th in a poorly written plot
Young Potter wasn't thinking, and his mate's sister was hot,
Too close, our three young heroes, soon to face their mortal foe,
And the Good Ship Pumpkin Pie settled low.

There were just five books before her, and the last one was a wash,
We'd worked like hell to ship them, all heedless we'd be squashed,
And the groan we gave as she went down, it caused us to proclaim
That the Good Ship Pumpkin Pie would rise again.

Well, the author wrote us off, not a Knut would she spend,
"You've been reading too much into this, more than I did intend,
But I gave you Ginny Weasley -- she's like Mary Sue, you know",
And she laughed at us and said we had to go.

But we bitched the whole damn summer, some days around the clock,
They'd lose a quarter million readers if they kept this shlock,
And with righteous angst and fandom wanks, we swore we would remain
And make the Good Ship Pumpkin Pie rise again.

Rise again, rise again,
Let Hermione and Harry be more than just friends.
All those who love them best, and who'll ship 'em till the end
Will make the Good Ship Pumpkin Pie rise again!

All year now we've been with her, on an LJ locked for friends,
Three drabbles a day, and it's all AU, and Christ, those kids can bend,
Thank god it's only sexy fics and the goals are clearly set,
Or I'd never have the strength to write the het.

But we've patched the rips, swapped the ships, got all the plot holes filled,
Stuck Ginny with Longbottom, and Ron with both Patils,
And at morning's light we post the site then watch the servers strain
And watch the Good Ship Pumpkin Pie rise again!

Rise again, rise again,
Let "Hermione and Harry" be our triumphant refrain.
All those who love them best, and who'll ship 'em till the end
Will make the Good Ship Pumpkin Pie rise again!

For we couldn't leave her there, you see, to crumble into dust,
For just about ten years now, we've waited for this lust,
And the laughing dumbass trolls who think they know what's going on
Forget the bloody books aren't named for Ron.

And you, to whom this fantasy has dealt the final blow,
With Ginny shippers gloating 'cause they think they stole the show,
Turn to Page six-fifty-one and use your frickin' brain,
"Cause the Good Ship Pumpkin Pie will rise again.

Rise again, rise again,
Let "Hermione and Harry" be our triumphant refrain.
Why wouldn't Harry Potter want the girl who's got a brain?
Yes, the Good Ship Pumpkin Pie will rise again!

Rise again, rise again,
Let Hermione and Harry be in love as well as friends.
All those who love them best, and who'll ship 'em till the end
Will make the Good Ship Pumpkin Pie rise again!

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Cross-posted to