Fun Spam Subject Line Of The Week

[filkertom]

"Wide spectrum of boner enlargers"

Anything amusing clogging up your Inbox?

Comments

[fredhuggins.livejournal.com]

No, but the other day I did hear my favorite masturbation euphemism ever (and I've heard quite a few):

"Evacuating the house that jack built."

[darrenzieger.livejournal.com]

Are you familiar with the Foremen song "Firing the Surgeon General?" It was written in reaction to Bill Clinton's firing of Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders after her controversial suggestion that masturbation (as an alternative to sexual intercourse and thus a method of preventing pregnancy and STDs) be one of the subjects covered in sex ed.

Naturally, this was immediately misquoted as a suggestion that the schools teach kids how to masturbate, and hilarity ensued, both in real life and in the form of this song, which is basically a collection of masturbation euphemisms, some classic, some invented for the song - including the title euphemism.

Here's a link to the lyrics...no, wait, I have to share this with the whole class...

Firing the Surgeon General
Words and Music by Roy Zimmerman
© 1995 Watunes (BMI)
(From "Folk Heroes" [Reprise])

You can't come in
I hear you knockin' but you can't come in
I hear you knockin' but you can't come in
'Cause I'm firing the Surgeon General

I used to flog the dolphin
Used to choke the chicken
Used to spank the monkey
Used to fool with the tool
I used to whip the bishop
Used to wax the weasel
But now I learned one they never taught in school

You can't come in
I hear you knockin' but you can't come in
I hear you knockin' but you can't come in
'Cause I'm firing the Surgeon General

I used to whack the Bobbitt
Used to knead the noodle
Used to charm the cobra
Used to ponder pointillism
I used to free the willy
Used to Pat the Robertson
But now I got me a new euphemism

You can't come in
I hear you knockin' but you can't come in
I hear you knockin' but you can't come in
'Cause I'm firing the Surgeon General

I used to think I'd need analysis
Get phalluses full of calluses
Go blind, lose my mind
Be romantically disinclined
I used to think I'd never be mollified
Or qualified at all if I'd
Go to work as a clerk
Try to be anything but a jerk

But now I wanna dance and shout
I'm jumpin' like a trouser trout
'Cause I found a way to bat it
And make a living at it
Yeah, I got into politics
And I'm never comin'
Never comin'
I'm never comin' out

You can't come in
I hear you knockin' but you can't come in
I check the lock 'n' say you can't come in
'Cause I'm firing the Surgeon General
Firing the Surgeon General
Firing the Surgeon General
Firing the Surgeon General


You can hear a sample of the recording (and many others) here (http://www.royzimmerman.com/songbooks_foremen.php). And as the Webmaster of the site in question, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't also encourage you to buy some of the many hilarious, satirical CDs songwriter Roy Zimmerman has for sale on the site...

For the final word on the subject, however, we must turn to George Carlin, who has collected a comprehensive list of euphemisms, by gender (here, I will link, as I've taken up far too much screen real estate with this post as it is.

Male Euphemisms (http://www.georgecarlin.com/dirty/masturbatemale.html)

Female Euphemisms (http://www.georgecarlin.com/dirty/masturbatefemale.html).

Thank you and goodnight.

[madrona.livejournal.com]

He missed "making waves for the little man in the boat".

Just sayin'.

[madrona.livejournal.com]

"University of next level, here I come"

Do we love the bad grammar and lack of punctuation? Yes, we do!

[ratbastrd.livejournal.com]

I kind of like "BouffantPenisDeloris"

[bschilli.livejournal.com]

I was offered the services of a Canadien pharmacy. Would that would teach me how to skate?

Ben

"Guess Your Sex!" (actually, guess MY sex! The userpic should help.)

[robin-june.livejournal.com]

I don't have any amusingly egregious samples to hand at the moment, but I'm really getting disamyed at how I'm ONLY getting the male enlargement pitches at my email accounts, while husband Alan reports that his e-address gets breast augmentation ads as well.

"'Robin' is a man's name" may be true in Europe, but over here in the United States, it's not THAT exclusive!.

Re: "Guess Your Sex!" (actually, guess MY sex! The userpic should help.)

[lizreay.livejournal.com]

Funny, I've known far more female Robins than male.

[lizreay.livejournal.com]

I don't get spam, oddly enough. I get phishers. Bad ones.

[bigtig.livejournal.com]

"Enlarge your trouser mice."

[jss]

"Mice," plural? Um....

[robin-june.livejournal.com]

Elephantiasis comes to mind.

[jss]

I thought elephantiasis were scared of mice, though.

[partiallyclips.livejournal.com]

"Take care of you and your phallus!"

That's... good advice.

At first glance

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

I thought it said February porno on witches (it was actually February promo on w4tches)