I Particularly Like Thorium
Feb. 15th, 2009 03:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
filkertomPeter David alerts us to my kinda Periodic Table.
Which means we have to mention Mr. Lehrer.
It also means it's time to tell us: What's your favorite elephant joke? One per customer, please, and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
markbernstein's favorite, the one told by Mark Evanier, is already assumed.
Which means we have to mention Mr. Lehrer.
It also means it's time to tell us: What's your favorite elephant joke? One per customer, please, and
markbernstein's favorite, the one told by Mark Evanier, is already assumed.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 08:39 pm (UTC)A: Pain its toenails red.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: Works, doesn't it?
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 08:42 pm (UTC)Oldie but a goodie.
I once shot an elephant wearing my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Thanks to Groucho.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 12:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 08:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 08:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 09:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 02:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 08:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 09:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 12:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 09:13 pm (UTC)And since it's been a very long time since freshman chemistry, I googled and found this nifty site. Think I'll be spending some quality geek time browsing today...
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 11:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 05:19 pm (UTC)The Periodic Table Table
Yes, he built a wooden periodic table for his element samples. Be sure to look for his videos of the sodium explosions and the stories of how to buy uranium.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 09:18 pm (UTC)Pick up the 'phone, dial "Trunks" and reverse the charges.
Old pre-STD gag that one (no, not THOSE STDs, Standard Trunk Dialling STD)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 11:03 pm (UTC)How do you stop and elephant from charging?
Take away his credit cards
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 09:20 pm (UTC)Also, a mention of Dr. (then-)Jane's "Battle With The Elements" is in order. (Unfortunately, with Random Factors' website still in redevelopment, there seems to be no US online source for Wackademia.)
And (sorry, I really need to do two)...
1. How can you tell if an elephant's been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the cream cheese!
2. What's the difference between an elephant and a dozen eggs?
[Respondent: I don't know]
Then how can I send you to the store for eggs?
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-17 01:59 am (UTC)Their jokes just don't make any sense
sorry, you get two for the price of one :-)
Date: 2009-02-15 09:26 pm (UTC)Squash.
---
How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 09:27 pm (UTC)Elephino.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 09:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 09:57 pm (UTC)How do you know if elephants have been screwing in your yard?
All of your trash can liners are missing.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 10:32 pm (UTC)Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-15 11:05 pm (UTC)To cross the river on the lily pads.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 01:08 am (UTC)A: Hell, you wouldn't want to be recognized either if people told all these jokes about you.
-----
Periodic table of elephants = BEST THING EVER.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 01:40 am (UTC)So, Ol' Man Digby (of Digby's Amazing Circus) reads somewhere that an elephant will never in his life have all four feet off the ground. Well, being the wonderful, sporting type that he is, he started a contest that for the small price of admission to the booth, any person able to get the elephant to jump would get ten thousand dollars, or whatever the local currency. Now, we went all across North America and Europe and everywhere we went there was lushingtons and marks all trying to collect with no success. Then when we came to England there was this small lad fresh from a game of cricket that came by. He walks in with his cricket bat and says "Hello, Mr. Elephant" as polite as you please, and promptly walks behind the elephant and whomps him in the south end with the cricket bat.
Between being forced to pay the lad and replacing a few various tents, trailers, and some items from the house of mirrors, Digby was out a great deal of money, so he had to think of something as sensational to recoup. And surely enough he reads that an elephant is built such that it can look up an down, but not side to side. From then on the prize was 20,000 to make an elephant nod "no" with a bigger admission price. He had nearly all the money back by the time we returned to London the next spring, when sure enough, there stands the same young boy, fresh from a game with lads. "Hello Mr. Elephant" says the lad, "Is it true that an elephant never forgets". Slowly the great grey beast nods it head "yes". "Do you want me to do that again?" asks the child. The elephant vigorously shook his head "no".
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 01:56 am (UTC)What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A sheep!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-17 12:48 am (UTC)Why do elephants have such long noses?
Sheep don't have strings!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 03:49 am (UTC)A blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a white elephant?
Hold its nose until it turns blue and then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 03:55 am (UTC)You don't. You get down off of a duck!
(I am not proud that it took me 35 years to get that joke.)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 05:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 05:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-17 03:42 am (UTC)That is to say, it's a pun on the two meanings of the word "down" -- one, the direction, and two, the fine feathers on the stomach of waterfowl.
I spent many years wondering how you'd get up on a duck in the first place!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 03:56 am (UTC)Anywhere he wants to sit!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 04:18 am (UTC)Joke part I:
Q: What's the difference between a herd of elephants and a bunch of grapes?
A: The elephants are grey and the grapes are purple.
Joke part II:
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
A: "Here come the elephants".
Joke part III:
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?
A: "Here come the grapes". (Jane was color blind)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-17 01:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 05:29 am (UTC)As for elephants, I remember the commercial with the two secret agents on the sidewalk talking in code phrases, stuff like "the bee has left the henhouse", and then someone comes by and says "the circus elephant has lost its way". This confuses the secret agents...they shrug...then along comes the elephant. It loses a lot when it's told, as opposed to seen...
There's always my bit about the Hostess R&D computer break-in...but there's not really elephants in that one. Though I suppose elephant could be an example exotic meat...
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-17 01:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 05:55 am (UTC)why do ducks have flat feet?
to stomp out forest fires.
why do elephants have flat feet?
to stomp out flaming ducks.
how does and elephant hide in a strawberry patch?
he paints his toenails red.
how does an elephant hide in a cherry tree?
he paints his balls red.
what's the loudest sound in Africa?
a giraffe eating cherries.
*insert loud elephant trumpet rendition here*
now, when i tell it, though, i'll be adding a few i saw above!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-17 03:44 am (UTC)a giraffe eating cherries.
Bwahahahahahahaha!
Also, ow!!!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 12:53 pm (UTC).
.
.
time to get a new car!
[hey, you didn't say good jokes!]
Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkly?
Because if they were small white and round the parrots would eat 'em all [paracetamol].
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 01:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 01:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 06:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-16 08:50 pm (UTC)A: There's a quarter on the dresser and your mattress is missing.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-17 03:47 am (UTC)You don't -- they're so big they never get lost.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-19 01:55 am (UTC)What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the rhino.
I'm not sure why rhinos, when they appear, tend to play second fiddle to elephants, so I'll chalk it up to their musicianship, which tends to be shoddy on a good day.