24 Hour Project 2: The Last Hero On Earth
Apr. 15th, 2005 02:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
filkertomWell, it looks as if one track will be mostly instrumental, unless you guys don't mind if I scrabble up some lyrics to "The Sinister Sixty Strike!" later. But... here it is. Anything italicized is spoken dialogue. I probably missed on or two.
24 HOUR PROJECT 2: THE LAST HERO ON EARTH
© 2005 by Tom Smith. All rights reserved.
>>>>> What If... *I* Were The Superhero?
When I was a kid, they would fly overhead,
Doing things that weren't possible, that's what folks said,
Deflecting bullets, punching out trains,
Lifting stuff using just the power of their brains,
Every time that I'd see them,
I wanted to be them,
And I dreamed each night about all the things I'd do,
What if I...
Were a superhero with a cape and a mask,
Give me some kinda powers and give me a task,
Give me one little chance and that's all that I ask
And I promise I'd stand tall,
I'd be the greatest superhero of them all!
When I was a kid, I watched 'em all on the news,
And I swore that I'd be one, if they let me choose,
If I didn't have powers, I'd strengthen my mind,
I'd look within myself, and see what I'd find,
Every time that I'd see them,
I wanted to be them,
And I trained each night for all the things I'd do,
What if I...
Were a superhero, I'll give villains a fright,
With my cave and my gadgets and my signal light,
Give me one little chance, and I'd fight for what's right,
And I'd never let you down,
I'd be the greatest superhero in this town!
Some people say that we're psychotic,
Breaking laws that we claim to uphold,
But really, the costume's symbolic,
And all that we're breaking's the mold,
The bad guys like gaming the system,
With legal details they dance,
Our first job is justice, we don't ask that you trust us,
Just give us that one little chance.
When I was a kid, I would see people try
Just to work till they drop and not stop till they die.
And I promised to make the world better someday,
I swore I'd restore the American Way,
Every time that I'd see them,
I promised I'd free them,
And I think of them with everything I do,
And now, I...
Am a superhero, every one of us saw
There's so much more to do than upholding the law,
Give yourself just one chance, and you'll leave us in awe
'Cause we know that you'll stand tall,
Inside every one of us is the greatest
Su... per... hero of them all!
>>>>> Mad Scientists United (Awful Bloody)
(background)
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOOLS!
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOOLS!
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Switch, switch, Igor, throw the switch!
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOO-
Silence! [whok]
This emergency assembly of Mad Scientists United
Is hereby called to order, or as close as we can get.
The first, last, and only item on today's agenda
Is, HOW COME WE HAVEN'T KILLED THE BLOODY SUPERHEROES YET!?
Well, it isn't very easy, given that they're superheroes,
They're invulnerable or armored or they're awful bloody fast,
And they're awful bloody smart or they're awful bloody lucky,
How 'bout awful bloody dead! Is that so very much to ask?
Well, we don't work together very well.
We don't call each other on the phone,
Inspiration takes hold, and, if the truth be told,
We each want to get the glory on our own!
I've been working on a deathtrap that'll shred them in their skivvies,
I've built a giant laser that'll fry 'em where they stand,
I'll construct a transmutation gun to turn them into privies,
I've got a hundred-foot-long hero-smashing robot hand.
I've got a mind control device so strong Dick Cheney curtsied,
I've got a giant vacuum that'll suck away their breath,
I've got some earthquake pills that I can hide inside some birdseed,
I've got some exposition that'll bore them all to death.
We've got awful bloody plans for an awful bloody conquest
And awful bloody visions of an awful bloody fate
On so much we are divided, but in this we are united
It's those awful bloody heroes that we hate!
But HOW COME WE HAVEN'T KILLED 'EM YET!?
Just wait.
>>>>> The Sinister Cavortings of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III (3/4 time)
And who are you, sir?
How did you get into our secret lair?
Oh, I've been a member in good standing for seventeen years now.
I don't recall seeing you here before.
Naturally not. I've made a point of keeping low to the ground
until it suited me otherwise... eh, which it does now.
Allow me to introduce myself....
I'm Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third,
Who's that? Not a clue. Huffelwhat?
There's a reason that of me you never have heard,
I'm subtle, whereas you are not.
Now wait just a moment, you fat ball of grime,
Everyone here works hidden, unseen,
Advancing the causes of science and crime --
Advancing your egos, you mean!
You're much too bombastic, you cackle, you gloat,
To show off, you'll go any length,
And you're caught. By inferiors. Grabbed by the throat...
Whereas I... I have built up my strength.
This is preposterous! Did you not hear of my army of mutant wombats with opposable thumbs?
Or my scheme to replace every banana in the tropics with plantains?
Or my ultrasonic carrier wave that could disintegrate the world's undergarments?
Ah, yes. Captain Commando. Tch, tch, tch.
You simply don't get it. You don't understand
Concepts too simple for your huge brains.
With each loss I've suffered, or victory I've planned,
No evidence of me remains.
The heroes don't know of me, nor the police,
No record exists of my name.
And so now, for years, they have left me in peace,
To plan out the ultimate game.
Behold!
Good god! A mechanical army! I've never seen androids so sophisticated!
Well, there was that Katherine Zeta-Jones model....
There must be fifty of them!
Five dozen robots, each keyed to a hero,
Inexorable in their pursuit.
And when they should touch, let's just say... ground zero
At Hiroshima will seem rather cute.
Each poor hero's private dimensional vortex
Will fling him to some nether realm,
While conveniently scrambling his cerebral cortex...
Leaving us to assume the world's helm.
Brilliant! Visionary! We must announce it at once!
No, you fools! Haven't you heard a word I've said?
The key to success is in keeping it quiet
Until we are ready to strike.
Our plans will collapse into ruin and riot
If one of you gets on a mic.
We lure all our targets with slick verbal pablum,
To someplace benign, without care,
Then catch them, entrap them, and finally zap them,
And without the heroes, their armies will fall,
You can unleash each gimmick and minion and thrall,
By dawn the next day we'll have conquered it all.
At last we'll be rid of those meddlesome good guys,
The playing field finally fair.
They'll vanish so fast, there'll be no time for goodbyes,
And the world will be mine -- no, mine -- no, mine -- NO, MINE -- NO, MINE!
No, MINE!
But I'll share.
[mad laughter, with one punctuating controlled chuckle]
>>>>> Warning: Wimbledon!
Good morning, Hero Leaguers!
Morning, Maxicron!
Max.
Hey, punkin'.
Amazing Gracie, ixnay on the unkin-pay.
Oh, come off it, big guy, Everyone knows.
They DO!?
Uh-huh.
Remember last month when you had your memories drained by the Identity Thief?
well, he made MPGs.
WHAT!?
Eeyup. They're all up at www.maxidoesgraciehubbahubba.com.
Whoooo!
Oh, for -- fine. Fine. Any new business?
Just one thing -- a letter. From... Wimbledon?
What's it say?
The Hero League has been invited
To travel overseas and play
In a charity event for the Duke of Kent
A tournament of croquet.
And they'll even pay our way.
KEWL!
[whoosh]
We'd like to welcome you to Wimbledon,
The proper sporting place for gentlemen
You are all pure of heart, thanks for taking part...
In our tournament of croquet.
Um, excuse me -- I don't know how to play.
Gasp!
Now, now -- Let us explain the rules to our former colonists.
Our side's red and yellow, you'll be black and blue,
Take the club -- stout fellow! and we'll start with you,
Now you aim for the hoop -- [clack] -- play it where it lies -- Good show!
And now it's our turn... so everybody dies!
>>>>> The Sinister Sixty Strike!
What th-
Look!
Robots!
There must be fifty of 'em!
Hero League -- to the fray!
That battle cry is so gay!
Now, let's not offend --
Don't look now, my friend,
But they're trying to blow us away!
[fighting sound effects, vortexish whooshing noises
as the heroes are zapped away to other dimensions]
>>>>> Enter the Waffle
Ladies and gents of First National Bank,
Since all of the heroes are gone, we
will pause here a moment to graciously thank
You all in advance for your money.
All right, in the bag! C'mon!
I wouldn't touch that alarm if I were you...
Well, you're not me, so what are you going to do?
What the...?
There's still one hero left in this town,
Now put your hands up and put the guns down.
Wh- which first? Shoot him, moron!
But he said -- Forget that!
Where'd he go? Over here!
Thought we'd have a nice chat.
I ain't talkin' to you!
If you put down the gun,
Then I promise I won't make you
Eat it for fun.
Heck with this! Run!
Time for the Syrup Gun!
... SYRUP Gun!?
*splortch*
Ewww! Yech! Gross!
And it's one of those cheap brands, too!
Yeah, well, Mrs. Butterworth's pricy. Officer.
Thank you very kindly, Mr....
Waffle.
Waffle?
Waffle?
What the heck kinda hero name is that?
Well, I couldn't be "The Pancake",
'Cause that would have been too silly,
And "The Breakfast Biscuit" doesn't match my hat.
And so what is your power, Mister
Waffle!
Waffle?
Waffle!
I confuse and then abuse their minds, so frail.
Mental waves of indecision?
No, Snappy patter and derision,
I just baffle 'em, then WAFFLE! They're in jail.
So let me get this straight -- you're a comedic superhero.
Well, I try to be a stand-up kinda guy.
How do you intimidate the ones not baffled or in fear? -- Oh,
I've been meaning to try out my battle cry:
It's Batterin' Time!
[laughter, receding]
C'mon, work with me here. *sigh*
>>>>> You Never Call Me By My Real Name
George?
Angela! Don't call me that!
It's your name, silly.
Not when I'm in uniform.
It's not a uniform, it's a costume.
Uniform.
George...
You never call me by my real name.
What? I use it twenty times a day.
No! You call me "George"! -- Well, that's what you're called.
But it isn't what you should say.
Well, I'm not going to call you "The Waffle",
It's a silly name for fighting crimes.
It won't terrorize the unlawful,
And "awful" is the only other word-that-rhymes.
I know it's not dramatic, I might've been mistaken,
But all the really nifty superhero names were taken,
I'm quick and fortitudinous, I think it's worth a shot,
I'm good at being ludicrous, so I'll work with what I've got.
It's... so...
Hard sometimes, 'cause I do respect
And even understand this drive.
And it isn't fair of me to object,
But I hope you'll get out of it alive.
You're a gentle, kind, and funny lout,
And I want to share your life,
But I dread that the headlines will one day shout,
"Waffle cut in restaurant by a knife"
You've been saving that one up, haven't you?
Variations leap to mind all too easily.
But, I'll hang on to 'em for a day or two. After you're back from Britain.
Britain? What's --
It's all over the news. Something's happened to the Hero League.
You may be the last hero on Earth.
My god, I've got to help them.
Which is *why* you're the last hero on Earth.
Heh. Stay safe till I get back, huh?
Just be sure you *get* back.
Love you, Angela.
Love you, George.
It's a stupid name, but it fits so well,
For you never knew what you could be,
But when you're in costume, your uncertain shell
Fades away, and a hero's all I see.
You don't want big money, you don't want fame,
You just want to help humanity,
And so, even though I don't like that name...
It's yours. Bring it home to me.
>>>>> The Boulevard of Broken Genes
Look there! A Hero! How could one escape?
Mm. Spandex suit, standard mask, no wings or cape.
You Haven't answered my question! You swore
That the heroes were gone! -- fine! We've got one more.
But the Sinister Sixty are vanished as well,
And I don't think you'll summon them back out of Hell.
Impatience is no virtue! -- Neither is pride!
Our stronghold is breached -- there's a hero inside!
Not for long.
You think that those robots were all that I had?
The prototype mechanoid will stop this lad.
All we need to do is key his DNA,
And we'll blow the last hero on earth away.
Sir, something is wrong -- the genetic scan
Has registered him as an ordinary man.
No powers, no magic, no alien tech,
There's nothing about him to program the mech.
Well, what about gadgets? A pendant or ring,
A utility belt, there must be something.
Sir, he hasn't so much as a pen or a watch.
Well, find something! Or the whole plan will be scotched!
We could always shoot him. -- Carstairs, you're mad!
I abhor gunplay -- it always goes bad!
And what if he's bulletproof? or absorbs lead?
If you'll calm yourselves, gentlemen... we'll make him dead.
He has no such powers -- we'd've known when we scanned.
I think we can lock on his adrenal gland,
And once we have programmed the Kill-o-tron mech,
We can watch and enjoy as it wrings this fool's neck.
>>>>> Tears of the Kill-o-tron
Oh, great. A robot. Looks pretty strong.
Don't know if I can avoid it for long --
SURRENDER NOW, HUMAN, YOU HAVEN'T A HOPE,
I CAN FOLLOW YOU ON MY UV AND INFRARED SCOPE.
I'M LOCKED ONTO YOUR GENOMES, THE WAVES OF YOUR BRAIN,
PLEASE, I'VE NO WISH TO CAUSE YOU GRATUITOUS PAIN.
What the heck kinda robot are you?
I'M THE PROTOTYPE OF EVERYTHING MY MASTER HAS CREATED,
AND I THINK HE DID TOO GOOD A JOB ON ME.
I'M THE FIRST ROBOT WITH FEELINGS, I HAVE LOVED AND I HAVE HATED,
BUT WITH QUANTUM HYPERSENSITIVITY.
I WAS MADE FOR ACTS OF EVIL, AND IT BREAKS MY METAL HEART,
KNOWING THAT I MUST OBEY HIS EVERY WHIM.
BUT HE CRAFTED ME MOST CAREFULLY, SCRATCH-MAKING EVERY PART,
LIKE THIS CIRCUIT WHICH MAKES ME A SLAVE OF HIM.
HINT, HINT.
SO I TRULY DO REGRET IT, BUT IT'S TIME THAT I DESTROY YOU,
MAKE YOUR PEACE NOW WITH WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE,
BUT I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS ISN'T SOMETHING I ENJOY, YOU
SEEM A DECENT SORT, AND SO FOR YOU I'LL GRIEVE.
*CRUNCH*
Ha! Got the circuit!
INDEED. JUST ONE NANOSECOND TOO LATE.
[huge vortex sound]
>>>>> Pirate Ninjas from Dino Island
Wh- I'm alive! But where...?
Yo ho! On we go! Way hey! All the way!
Yo ho! On with the show! Way hey! A slaughter today!
Put me down! Let me go, you --
Save yer breath, Princess Alishaya! You'll be needing it *real* soon!
Who are you barbarians, anyway?
Ah, now, well, that's a tale....
What the hey! Ye deserve a bedtime story, before yer eternal sleep.
Heh heh heh.
We're scavengers from across the stars
Upon our lightsail skiff!
One little blue planet that's just past Mars
Had history that was spiff!
And so we stole --er, borrowed -- GLEANED!
A bunch of lovely myth!
So, Princess, you've been snatched by fiends
You never reckoned with!
We're... the...
Pirate ninjas from Dino Island,
Ain't our livin' grand!
With cutlasses, kusari-gamas
And nunchucks in our hands!
We've all got pterodactyls where
Our parrots ought to be!
And let me tell ya, my right shoulder's
In some misery, arrr.... [laughter]
You'll never get away with this!
My people will rescue me!
My dear, you're sadly lacking in
Epistemology.
Your people tried to fight us,
I'm afraid they didn't win.
So, they believe it's fate we caught ye.
And they left you in
The hands of
Pirate ninjas from Dino Island,
Hide your wenches and gold!
We've shuriken in the crow's nest
And a T-rex in the hold!
We hoist the Jolly Raptor
And we sail the ocean blue,
And if ye see us, it's too late,
Because... we're... there... for... you!
[laughter]
>>>>> The Terror of Sis Boom Ba
If I already hadn't been beaten up by robots
Or teleported somewhere, I'd think I whacked my skull.
Lemme check: Some ninja pirates with dinosaurs for mascots
Have a gorgeous kidnapped princess. Well, this party won't be dull.
Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba!
What are you all chanting? Some ritual or charm?
No, Princess, we're just calling on our favorite little pet.
She's as gentle as a kitten -- that's been armed with plasma rifles --
And today, I'm sad to say, she hasn't had her breakfast yet.
Oh.
Ah, yer a quick one. For a few more minutes, anyway.
Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba!
She's a standard issue monster from a prehistoric time,
Just ignore the thirty tentacles and foul acidic slime.
She's as harmless as a butterfly, but starving her's a cri-i-me....
We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba!
She's a fifty-foot-long bundle of dismemberment and fun,
And her favorite snack is Princess, served upon a toasted bun,
And princesses in the neighborhood -- well, you're the only one....
We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba!
I can't tell you where she came from, we're not sure where all she's been,
And we cannot tell what kinda beast she be.
All we know is, now and then, the poor girl's lookin' awful thin,
So we has ta go and get some royalty!
She's a evolutionary aberration to the core,
She'd be sweet as any lamb except her taste for blood and gore
And we're telling you about it so you know just what's in sto-o-ore...
We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba!
Aaah!
Hey! Who's that swab upon the altar! What's that gadget that he's got?
Princess, pull yourself together -- there! I think I've got that knot!
Now let's -- Sir! Look out behind you! -- Only time for one good shot --
*splorch*
Well, blow me down! He likes it!
Let's get away from Sis Boom Ba!
>>>>> The Romance of George and Al
Her Majesty, Queen Silvania!
I thank you, good sir, for the safe return,
Of my daughter, Princess Alishaya,
She has spoken to me of your bravery,
How you saved her from perils most dire.
My scientists say you're from so far away
That our charts do not e'en list your star,
I regret we cannot send you homeward, but
You are welcome to stay where you are.
I thank you, my queen, for your kindness,
Your offer is gladly accepted.
I pretty much knew I was stuck here with you,
For I felt every mile when I leapt it.
My daughter is quite taken with you,
Although I find you strangely clothed,
And, as she was legally dead, I am free
To declare you both betrothed.
Huh? -- what?
It's a very fine Old World tradition,
Give the hero our most precious thing,
And I'm sure she will bear several daughters fair
And a son who is worthy to be king.
How this circumstance has led to romance
Is a wonderful hoary cliche
Blare the horn! Strike the gong! You'll be wed at dawn --
Don't *we* have any say?
>>>>> A Million Light-Years From Love
Everything I ever wanted waited far 'cross time and space,
I'm a hero, I'm the chamption of a wise and noble race
An exotic alien beauty wants me to share her throne,
I've never felt so alone.
Even though they all ignored me, all the heroes were my crew,
I may not have met their standards, but I did what they all do,
I defended truth and justice, and I lent a helping hand,
They never seemed to understand
Out here I'm appreciated, I'm exalted and revered,
I'm idolized by everyone I see,
But I never put this costume on just wanting to be cheered
I just wanted to be slightly more of me.
I'm across the freakin' galaxy, and my dreams have all come true,
But to get them I've been pulled away from everything I knew,
I'm a million light years from my love, and I don't know what to do,
How can I shut off my whole life? How can I give up you?
Everything I ever wanted isn't what I thought I wanted
I want to hold my angela, I want to see my friends,
But I'll try to make the best of it, and forget about the rest of it,
There's no use trying to pretend,
There's too many stars above between me and who I love,
I'm never going home again.
>>>>> Divided Royalties (A Million Light Years From Love: Reprise)
George...
Al. *exhale* So.
So.
We're getting married tomorrow.
George...
It's... fine, Al. It's fine. You're a beautiful, wonderful woman,
and I'll do my best, and I know I'll come to love you in time.
It's just... hard, is all.
George...
Everything I ever wanted was denied me by my birth,
Valued only for my bloodline, not allowed to prove my worth,
Never had the chance to choose my friends, never did things on my own,
I've always been so alone.
Though my people say they love me, I'm more ornament, or pet,
And the standards that I'm held to, well, have not broken me yet,
I believe in truth and justice, but there's none that I command,
There's too much that I understand.
In there I'm celebrated, I'm the most beloved slave,
Objectified by everyone I see,
But you didn't know a bit of that, I was someone you could save,
You didn't see a princess, only me.
From across the mighty galaxy, my dreams have all come true,
But I'm not the only one with dreams, and a life that's gone askew,
I'm a million light years from your love, and I don't know what to do
How can I take back my whole life? How can I give up you?
Everything I ever wanted isn't what my people wanted,
I want to freedom and adventure, romance and real friends,
So I'll try to make the best of it, and forget about the rest of it,
There's no use trying to pretend,
There's so many stars above, somewhere out there is my love,
I'm never going home again.
Al, I don't --
Shhh. We're not marrying, we're escaping. I'm going to get you back home.
Ho- but you said it --
There is a way.
>>>>> Behold the Crossing Guard!
Behold... the Crossing Guard!
Where's his little sign?
What?
Nothing.
Welcome to the Convergence of dimensions,
The Crossing of Realities,
The Nexus where all time... and... space are one,
Past and future there for you to seize,
And, if you have the courage, you can visit distant suns,
Simply choose the proper vortices,
The most delicately balanced point in all the universe,
And to guard it is my privilige, my duty, and my curse,
State your name and your business and to where you would transverse:
I'm the Waffle, sir, and I wish to go home to Earth.
That'll be ten credits, please.
Here you are, sir.
[ka-ching] Milady.
>>>>> When Strikes The Clock
Now, you have to time this exactly right.
But it will take me home! -- This is transstellar flight.
Look in the Crossing -- hey, Hong Kong, Bombay,
St. Louis, Toledo, and Mandalay!
You can go to whatever landing point you see,
But it changes each moment, so the timing's key.
Is there a way to control it? There's a cosmic clock --
Hm. Currently set for Vladivostok.
Uh... excuse me? Hello? Can I set this hub
To the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club?
Crossing reset -- Nexus activate
In eleven seconds -- ten -- nine -- eight --
Alishaya -- George -- thank you. -- Thank *you*. You've got to go.
(Seven -- six -- five -- four --)
George, I... I... -- shh. Me, too. -- I know.
(Three -- two -- one -- )
[big whooshing SFX]
Everything I ever wanted, and I had to let him go,
But I never will forget him, and he'll think of me, I know,
Though a million light-years stand between us, he is still my friend,
I'll never be alone again.
[INSIDE the big whooshing SFX... sudden stop]
>>>>> Rules of Enragement
It worked! I'm back at Wimbledon,
I don't think they know I'm here,
They think all the heroes are dead and gone,
All we did was disappear.
Their genetic data was the key
To the robots' sneak attack.
But if I can reverse the polarity...
It might bring the heroes back!
That must be the machine that did it,
Oh, please, let this go off without a hitch,
Now, all I have to do is hit it --
Or, more specifically, hit that switch --
*splorch*
[reverse buildup energy noises]
You idiots! What are you doing?
We did nothing, sir! -- Well, watch for an attack!
Wait a moment -- it's reversed the polarity...
And that means, if we don't shut it down...
[lots of VOOPing noises as heroes reappear all around them]
We're ba-a-ack.
>>>>> Hey, didn't you die?
Hey! Didn't you die? [whack]
I don't think so.
Did Huffelbaggins lie? [krunch]
Could be.
Where did they come from? [biff]
How did they get here? [wham]
Why are they hitting me? [stuff bash bonk]
That was a really amazing adventure [kick]
We'll have to trade notes when there's time [splunch]
For now, disassemble those nasty machines there,
We'll take out the kingpins of crime! [AAAH!]
Huffelbaggins, you cretin!
They didn't die! [whack]
You said that the heroes'
Brains would fry! [whomp]
I said between dimensions, their thoughts would be scrambled
Well, so much for good intentions, sir, we've lost what we gambled,
There are sixty angry heroes here, all hot upon our trail,
If you don't have an escape plan, then we'll all end up in jail.
And, quite frankly, sir, given all this horrid mess you've made,
I'm decidedly inclined to give them *you*, sir, as a trade.
>>>>> The Rise And Fall Of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III
NO!
I will not be imprisoned with the ordinary rabble,
I am Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins,
The Third,
I've no loyalty or love to those buffoons within my cabal,
It's no time for delay or lollygagging --
My word!
You're the fellow who attacked me with this robot, which then sent me
A million light-years from my planet --
Get away!
But now I've got the controls, and I was wondering if it went the
Other way if I reverse and then jam it?
NOOO!
[into the vortex]
-- GUH! What -- where --
Yo ho! On we go! Way hey! All the way!
Yo ho! On with the show! Way hey! A slaughter today!
Ahoy! Ahoy there!
Look, mates! Another one!
And who be ye?
I am Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third!
You believe it? 'Ere, he's royalty! Now what's the chance? Absurd!
Well, I wonder if she'd like you deep-fried, scrambled, poached, or shirred....
[Sis Boom Ba noise]
>>>>> With Great Power Comes Great Power Bills
When you put on the uniform, pull on the tights,
Squeeze into costume, go out in the lights,
You know that you're going to get into fights,
And some of them you lose.
When you go for the action, there's always the chance
That you'll end up in traction from one deadly dance,
But we're of the faction that finds the romance
In the way of life we choose.
With great power comes great power bills,
Every day that we play, we must pay for the thrills,
But we're rewarded with curing society's ills,
At least as much as we can,
Don't underestimate the power of one man.
George, is it? George, you have saved the Hero League.
More than that, you've saved the world.
I'm sure that accolades, endorsement contracts, and ancillary merchandising
will start pouring in, but all we have to offer you is our sincere thanks.
You're quite welcome, sir.
And membership in the Hero League.
Membe -- ME!? In the League?
Whaddaya say, George?
HOLD IT!
Angela?
Hold it right there. He's known as... the Waffle!
YAY!
You can feel the electricity down to your socks,
Don't try something illicit, or you're in for a shock,
We're all summa cum laude in the School of Hard Knocks,
So you better spread the news.
With great power comes a great power bill,
And we know that the program we go with can kill,
But we know we can win, and we know that we will,
We swear we'll make you proud
So sing it really loud.
You can
Be a superhero, you just have to care,
And leave everyplace better than when you were first there,
Give yourself just one chance, and you'll take to the air,
Forever standing tall,
Inside every one of you is the greatest
Su... per... hero of them all!
Angela, how is it that you always show up just in time to keep the plot going?
Mmmm, let's just keep that my little secret... until next year.
24 HOUR PROJECT 2: THE LAST HERO ON EARTH
© 2005 by Tom Smith. All rights reserved.
>>>>> What If... *I* Were The Superhero?
When I was a kid, they would fly overhead,
Doing things that weren't possible, that's what folks said,
Deflecting bullets, punching out trains,
Lifting stuff using just the power of their brains,
Every time that I'd see them,
I wanted to be them,
And I dreamed each night about all the things I'd do,
What if I...
Were a superhero with a cape and a mask,
Give me some kinda powers and give me a task,
Give me one little chance and that's all that I ask
And I promise I'd stand tall,
I'd be the greatest superhero of them all!
When I was a kid, I watched 'em all on the news,
And I swore that I'd be one, if they let me choose,
If I didn't have powers, I'd strengthen my mind,
I'd look within myself, and see what I'd find,
Every time that I'd see them,
I wanted to be them,
And I trained each night for all the things I'd do,
What if I...
Were a superhero, I'll give villains a fright,
With my cave and my gadgets and my signal light,
Give me one little chance, and I'd fight for what's right,
And I'd never let you down,
I'd be the greatest superhero in this town!
Some people say that we're psychotic,
Breaking laws that we claim to uphold,
But really, the costume's symbolic,
And all that we're breaking's the mold,
The bad guys like gaming the system,
With legal details they dance,
Our first job is justice, we don't ask that you trust us,
Just give us that one little chance.
When I was a kid, I would see people try
Just to work till they drop and not stop till they die.
And I promised to make the world better someday,
I swore I'd restore the American Way,
Every time that I'd see them,
I promised I'd free them,
And I think of them with everything I do,
And now, I...
Am a superhero, every one of us saw
There's so much more to do than upholding the law,
Give yourself just one chance, and you'll leave us in awe
'Cause we know that you'll stand tall,
Inside every one of us is the greatest
Su... per... hero of them all!
>>>>> Mad Scientists United (Awful Bloody)
(background)
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOOLS!
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOOLS!
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Switch, switch, Igor, throw the switch!
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOO-
Silence! [whok]
This emergency assembly of Mad Scientists United
Is hereby called to order, or as close as we can get.
The first, last, and only item on today's agenda
Is, HOW COME WE HAVEN'T KILLED THE BLOODY SUPERHEROES YET!?
Well, it isn't very easy, given that they're superheroes,
They're invulnerable or armored or they're awful bloody fast,
And they're awful bloody smart or they're awful bloody lucky,
How 'bout awful bloody dead! Is that so very much to ask?
Well, we don't work together very well.
We don't call each other on the phone,
Inspiration takes hold, and, if the truth be told,
We each want to get the glory on our own!
I've been working on a deathtrap that'll shred them in their skivvies,
I've built a giant laser that'll fry 'em where they stand,
I'll construct a transmutation gun to turn them into privies,
I've got a hundred-foot-long hero-smashing robot hand.
I've got a mind control device so strong Dick Cheney curtsied,
I've got a giant vacuum that'll suck away their breath,
I've got some earthquake pills that I can hide inside some birdseed,
I've got some exposition that'll bore them all to death.
We've got awful bloody plans for an awful bloody conquest
And awful bloody visions of an awful bloody fate
On so much we are divided, but in this we are united
It's those awful bloody heroes that we hate!
But HOW COME WE HAVEN'T KILLED 'EM YET!?
Just wait.
>>>>> The Sinister Cavortings of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III (3/4 time)
And who are you, sir?
How did you get into our secret lair?
Oh, I've been a member in good standing for seventeen years now.
I don't recall seeing you here before.
Naturally not. I've made a point of keeping low to the ground
until it suited me otherwise... eh, which it does now.
Allow me to introduce myself....
I'm Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third,
Who's that? Not a clue. Huffelwhat?
There's a reason that of me you never have heard,
I'm subtle, whereas you are not.
Now wait just a moment, you fat ball of grime,
Everyone here works hidden, unseen,
Advancing the causes of science and crime --
Advancing your egos, you mean!
You're much too bombastic, you cackle, you gloat,
To show off, you'll go any length,
And you're caught. By inferiors. Grabbed by the throat...
Whereas I... I have built up my strength.
This is preposterous! Did you not hear of my army of mutant wombats with opposable thumbs?
Or my scheme to replace every banana in the tropics with plantains?
Or my ultrasonic carrier wave that could disintegrate the world's undergarments?
Ah, yes. Captain Commando. Tch, tch, tch.
You simply don't get it. You don't understand
Concepts too simple for your huge brains.
With each loss I've suffered, or victory I've planned,
No evidence of me remains.
The heroes don't know of me, nor the police,
No record exists of my name.
And so now, for years, they have left me in peace,
To plan out the ultimate game.
Behold!
Good god! A mechanical army! I've never seen androids so sophisticated!
Well, there was that Katherine Zeta-Jones model....
There must be fifty of them!
Five dozen robots, each keyed to a hero,
Inexorable in their pursuit.
And when they should touch, let's just say... ground zero
At Hiroshima will seem rather cute.
Each poor hero's private dimensional vortex
Will fling him to some nether realm,
While conveniently scrambling his cerebral cortex...
Leaving us to assume the world's helm.
Brilliant! Visionary! We must announce it at once!
No, you fools! Haven't you heard a word I've said?
The key to success is in keeping it quiet
Until we are ready to strike.
Our plans will collapse into ruin and riot
If one of you gets on a mic.
We lure all our targets with slick verbal pablum,
To someplace benign, without care,
Then catch them, entrap them, and finally zap them,
And without the heroes, their armies will fall,
You can unleash each gimmick and minion and thrall,
By dawn the next day we'll have conquered it all.
At last we'll be rid of those meddlesome good guys,
The playing field finally fair.
They'll vanish so fast, there'll be no time for goodbyes,
And the world will be mine -- no, mine -- no, mine -- NO, MINE -- NO, MINE!
No, MINE!
But I'll share.
[mad laughter, with one punctuating controlled chuckle]
>>>>> Warning: Wimbledon!
Good morning, Hero Leaguers!
Morning, Maxicron!
Max.
Hey, punkin'.
Amazing Gracie, ixnay on the unkin-pay.
Oh, come off it, big guy, Everyone knows.
They DO!?
Uh-huh.
Remember last month when you had your memories drained by the Identity Thief?
well, he made MPGs.
WHAT!?
Eeyup. They're all up at www.maxidoesgraciehubbahubba.com.
Whoooo!
Oh, for -- fine. Fine. Any new business?
Just one thing -- a letter. From... Wimbledon?
What's it say?
The Hero League has been invited
To travel overseas and play
In a charity event for the Duke of Kent
A tournament of croquet.
And they'll even pay our way.
KEWL!
[whoosh]
We'd like to welcome you to Wimbledon,
The proper sporting place for gentlemen
You are all pure of heart, thanks for taking part...
In our tournament of croquet.
Um, excuse me -- I don't know how to play.
Gasp!
Now, now -- Let us explain the rules to our former colonists.
Our side's red and yellow, you'll be black and blue,
Take the club -- stout fellow! and we'll start with you,
Now you aim for the hoop -- [clack] -- play it where it lies -- Good show!
And now it's our turn... so everybody dies!
>>>>> The Sinister Sixty Strike!
What th-
Look!
Robots!
There must be fifty of 'em!
Hero League -- to the fray!
That battle cry is so gay!
Now, let's not offend --
Don't look now, my friend,
But they're trying to blow us away!
[fighting sound effects, vortexish whooshing noises
as the heroes are zapped away to other dimensions]
>>>>> Enter the Waffle
Ladies and gents of First National Bank,
Since all of the heroes are gone, we
will pause here a moment to graciously thank
You all in advance for your money.
All right, in the bag! C'mon!
I wouldn't touch that alarm if I were you...
Well, you're not me, so what are you going to do?
What the...?
There's still one hero left in this town,
Now put your hands up and put the guns down.
Wh- which first? Shoot him, moron!
But he said -- Forget that!
Where'd he go? Over here!
Thought we'd have a nice chat.
I ain't talkin' to you!
If you put down the gun,
Then I promise I won't make you
Eat it for fun.
Heck with this! Run!
Time for the Syrup Gun!
... SYRUP Gun!?
*splortch*
Ewww! Yech! Gross!
And it's one of those cheap brands, too!
Yeah, well, Mrs. Butterworth's pricy. Officer.
Thank you very kindly, Mr....
Waffle.
Waffle?
Waffle?
What the heck kinda hero name is that?
Well, I couldn't be "The Pancake",
'Cause that would have been too silly,
And "The Breakfast Biscuit" doesn't match my hat.
And so what is your power, Mister
Waffle!
Waffle?
Waffle!
I confuse and then abuse their minds, so frail.
Mental waves of indecision?
No, Snappy patter and derision,
I just baffle 'em, then WAFFLE! They're in jail.
So let me get this straight -- you're a comedic superhero.
Well, I try to be a stand-up kinda guy.
How do you intimidate the ones not baffled or in fear? -- Oh,
I've been meaning to try out my battle cry:
It's Batterin' Time!
[laughter, receding]
C'mon, work with me here. *sigh*
>>>>> You Never Call Me By My Real Name
George?
Angela! Don't call me that!
It's your name, silly.
Not when I'm in uniform.
It's not a uniform, it's a costume.
Uniform.
George...
You never call me by my real name.
What? I use it twenty times a day.
No! You call me "George"! -- Well, that's what you're called.
But it isn't what you should say.
Well, I'm not going to call you "The Waffle",
It's a silly name for fighting crimes.
It won't terrorize the unlawful,
And "awful" is the only other word-that-rhymes.
I know it's not dramatic, I might've been mistaken,
But all the really nifty superhero names were taken,
I'm quick and fortitudinous, I think it's worth a shot,
I'm good at being ludicrous, so I'll work with what I've got.
It's... so...
Hard sometimes, 'cause I do respect
And even understand this drive.
And it isn't fair of me to object,
But I hope you'll get out of it alive.
You're a gentle, kind, and funny lout,
And I want to share your life,
But I dread that the headlines will one day shout,
"Waffle cut in restaurant by a knife"
You've been saving that one up, haven't you?
Variations leap to mind all too easily.
But, I'll hang on to 'em for a day or two. After you're back from Britain.
Britain? What's --
It's all over the news. Something's happened to the Hero League.
You may be the last hero on Earth.
My god, I've got to help them.
Which is *why* you're the last hero on Earth.
Heh. Stay safe till I get back, huh?
Just be sure you *get* back.
Love you, Angela.
Love you, George.
It's a stupid name, but it fits so well,
For you never knew what you could be,
But when you're in costume, your uncertain shell
Fades away, and a hero's all I see.
You don't want big money, you don't want fame,
You just want to help humanity,
And so, even though I don't like that name...
It's yours. Bring it home to me.
>>>>> The Boulevard of Broken Genes
Look there! A Hero! How could one escape?
Mm. Spandex suit, standard mask, no wings or cape.
You Haven't answered my question! You swore
That the heroes were gone! -- fine! We've got one more.
But the Sinister Sixty are vanished as well,
And I don't think you'll summon them back out of Hell.
Impatience is no virtue! -- Neither is pride!
Our stronghold is breached -- there's a hero inside!
Not for long.
You think that those robots were all that I had?
The prototype mechanoid will stop this lad.
All we need to do is key his DNA,
And we'll blow the last hero on earth away.
Sir, something is wrong -- the genetic scan
Has registered him as an ordinary man.
No powers, no magic, no alien tech,
There's nothing about him to program the mech.
Well, what about gadgets? A pendant or ring,
A utility belt, there must be something.
Sir, he hasn't so much as a pen or a watch.
Well, find something! Or the whole plan will be scotched!
We could always shoot him. -- Carstairs, you're mad!
I abhor gunplay -- it always goes bad!
And what if he's bulletproof? or absorbs lead?
If you'll calm yourselves, gentlemen... we'll make him dead.
He has no such powers -- we'd've known when we scanned.
I think we can lock on his adrenal gland,
And once we have programmed the Kill-o-tron mech,
We can watch and enjoy as it wrings this fool's neck.
>>>>> Tears of the Kill-o-tron
Oh, great. A robot. Looks pretty strong.
Don't know if I can avoid it for long --
SURRENDER NOW, HUMAN, YOU HAVEN'T A HOPE,
I CAN FOLLOW YOU ON MY UV AND INFRARED SCOPE.
I'M LOCKED ONTO YOUR GENOMES, THE WAVES OF YOUR BRAIN,
PLEASE, I'VE NO WISH TO CAUSE YOU GRATUITOUS PAIN.
What the heck kinda robot are you?
I'M THE PROTOTYPE OF EVERYTHING MY MASTER HAS CREATED,
AND I THINK HE DID TOO GOOD A JOB ON ME.
I'M THE FIRST ROBOT WITH FEELINGS, I HAVE LOVED AND I HAVE HATED,
BUT WITH QUANTUM HYPERSENSITIVITY.
I WAS MADE FOR ACTS OF EVIL, AND IT BREAKS MY METAL HEART,
KNOWING THAT I MUST OBEY HIS EVERY WHIM.
BUT HE CRAFTED ME MOST CAREFULLY, SCRATCH-MAKING EVERY PART,
LIKE THIS CIRCUIT WHICH MAKES ME A SLAVE OF HIM.
HINT, HINT.
SO I TRULY DO REGRET IT, BUT IT'S TIME THAT I DESTROY YOU,
MAKE YOUR PEACE NOW WITH WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE,
BUT I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS ISN'T SOMETHING I ENJOY, YOU
SEEM A DECENT SORT, AND SO FOR YOU I'LL GRIEVE.
*CRUNCH*
Ha! Got the circuit!
INDEED. JUST ONE NANOSECOND TOO LATE.
[huge vortex sound]
>>>>> Pirate Ninjas from Dino Island
Wh- I'm alive! But where...?
Yo ho! On we go! Way hey! All the way!
Yo ho! On with the show! Way hey! A slaughter today!
Put me down! Let me go, you --
Save yer breath, Princess Alishaya! You'll be needing it *real* soon!
Who are you barbarians, anyway?
Ah, now, well, that's a tale....
What the hey! Ye deserve a bedtime story, before yer eternal sleep.
Heh heh heh.
We're scavengers from across the stars
Upon our lightsail skiff!
One little blue planet that's just past Mars
Had history that was spiff!
And so we stole --er, borrowed -- GLEANED!
A bunch of lovely myth!
So, Princess, you've been snatched by fiends
You never reckoned with!
We're... the...
Pirate ninjas from Dino Island,
Ain't our livin' grand!
With cutlasses, kusari-gamas
And nunchucks in our hands!
We've all got pterodactyls where
Our parrots ought to be!
And let me tell ya, my right shoulder's
In some misery, arrr.... [laughter]
You'll never get away with this!
My people will rescue me!
My dear, you're sadly lacking in
Epistemology.
Your people tried to fight us,
I'm afraid they didn't win.
So, they believe it's fate we caught ye.
And they left you in
The hands of
Pirate ninjas from Dino Island,
Hide your wenches and gold!
We've shuriken in the crow's nest
And a T-rex in the hold!
We hoist the Jolly Raptor
And we sail the ocean blue,
And if ye see us, it's too late,
Because... we're... there... for... you!
[laughter]
>>>>> The Terror of Sis Boom Ba
If I already hadn't been beaten up by robots
Or teleported somewhere, I'd think I whacked my skull.
Lemme check: Some ninja pirates with dinosaurs for mascots
Have a gorgeous kidnapped princess. Well, this party won't be dull.
Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba!
What are you all chanting? Some ritual or charm?
No, Princess, we're just calling on our favorite little pet.
She's as gentle as a kitten -- that's been armed with plasma rifles --
And today, I'm sad to say, she hasn't had her breakfast yet.
Oh.
Ah, yer a quick one. For a few more minutes, anyway.
Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba!
She's a standard issue monster from a prehistoric time,
Just ignore the thirty tentacles and foul acidic slime.
She's as harmless as a butterfly, but starving her's a cri-i-me....
We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba!
She's a fifty-foot-long bundle of dismemberment and fun,
And her favorite snack is Princess, served upon a toasted bun,
And princesses in the neighborhood -- well, you're the only one....
We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba!
I can't tell you where she came from, we're not sure where all she's been,
And we cannot tell what kinda beast she be.
All we know is, now and then, the poor girl's lookin' awful thin,
So we has ta go and get some royalty!
She's a evolutionary aberration to the core,
She'd be sweet as any lamb except her taste for blood and gore
And we're telling you about it so you know just what's in sto-o-ore...
We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba!
Aaah!
Hey! Who's that swab upon the altar! What's that gadget that he's got?
Princess, pull yourself together -- there! I think I've got that knot!
Now let's -- Sir! Look out behind you! -- Only time for one good shot --
*splorch*
Well, blow me down! He likes it!
Let's get away from Sis Boom Ba!
>>>>> The Romance of George and Al
Her Majesty, Queen Silvania!
I thank you, good sir, for the safe return,
Of my daughter, Princess Alishaya,
She has spoken to me of your bravery,
How you saved her from perils most dire.
My scientists say you're from so far away
That our charts do not e'en list your star,
I regret we cannot send you homeward, but
You are welcome to stay where you are.
I thank you, my queen, for your kindness,
Your offer is gladly accepted.
I pretty much knew I was stuck here with you,
For I felt every mile when I leapt it.
My daughter is quite taken with you,
Although I find you strangely clothed,
And, as she was legally dead, I am free
To declare you both betrothed.
Huh? -- what?
It's a very fine Old World tradition,
Give the hero our most precious thing,
And I'm sure she will bear several daughters fair
And a son who is worthy to be king.
How this circumstance has led to romance
Is a wonderful hoary cliche
Blare the horn! Strike the gong! You'll be wed at dawn --
Don't *we* have any say?
>>>>> A Million Light-Years From Love
Everything I ever wanted waited far 'cross time and space,
I'm a hero, I'm the chamption of a wise and noble race
An exotic alien beauty wants me to share her throne,
I've never felt so alone.
Even though they all ignored me, all the heroes were my crew,
I may not have met their standards, but I did what they all do,
I defended truth and justice, and I lent a helping hand,
They never seemed to understand
Out here I'm appreciated, I'm exalted and revered,
I'm idolized by everyone I see,
But I never put this costume on just wanting to be cheered
I just wanted to be slightly more of me.
I'm across the freakin' galaxy, and my dreams have all come true,
But to get them I've been pulled away from everything I knew,
I'm a million light years from my love, and I don't know what to do,
How can I shut off my whole life? How can I give up you?
Everything I ever wanted isn't what I thought I wanted
I want to hold my angela, I want to see my friends,
But I'll try to make the best of it, and forget about the rest of it,
There's no use trying to pretend,
There's too many stars above between me and who I love,
I'm never going home again.
>>>>> Divided Royalties (A Million Light Years From Love: Reprise)
George...
Al. *exhale* So.
So.
We're getting married tomorrow.
George...
It's... fine, Al. It's fine. You're a beautiful, wonderful woman,
and I'll do my best, and I know I'll come to love you in time.
It's just... hard, is all.
George...
Everything I ever wanted was denied me by my birth,
Valued only for my bloodline, not allowed to prove my worth,
Never had the chance to choose my friends, never did things on my own,
I've always been so alone.
Though my people say they love me, I'm more ornament, or pet,
And the standards that I'm held to, well, have not broken me yet,
I believe in truth and justice, but there's none that I command,
There's too much that I understand.
In there I'm celebrated, I'm the most beloved slave,
Objectified by everyone I see,
But you didn't know a bit of that, I was someone you could save,
You didn't see a princess, only me.
From across the mighty galaxy, my dreams have all come true,
But I'm not the only one with dreams, and a life that's gone askew,
I'm a million light years from your love, and I don't know what to do
How can I take back my whole life? How can I give up you?
Everything I ever wanted isn't what my people wanted,
I want to freedom and adventure, romance and real friends,
So I'll try to make the best of it, and forget about the rest of it,
There's no use trying to pretend,
There's so many stars above, somewhere out there is my love,
I'm never going home again.
Al, I don't --
Shhh. We're not marrying, we're escaping. I'm going to get you back home.
Ho- but you said it --
There is a way.
>>>>> Behold the Crossing Guard!
Behold... the Crossing Guard!
Where's his little sign?
What?
Nothing.
Welcome to the Convergence of dimensions,
The Crossing of Realities,
The Nexus where all time... and... space are one,
Past and future there for you to seize,
And, if you have the courage, you can visit distant suns,
Simply choose the proper vortices,
The most delicately balanced point in all the universe,
And to guard it is my privilige, my duty, and my curse,
State your name and your business and to where you would transverse:
I'm the Waffle, sir, and I wish to go home to Earth.
That'll be ten credits, please.
Here you are, sir.
[ka-ching] Milady.
>>>>> When Strikes The Clock
Now, you have to time this exactly right.
But it will take me home! -- This is transstellar flight.
Look in the Crossing -- hey, Hong Kong, Bombay,
St. Louis, Toledo, and Mandalay!
You can go to whatever landing point you see,
But it changes each moment, so the timing's key.
Is there a way to control it? There's a cosmic clock --
Hm. Currently set for Vladivostok.
Uh... excuse me? Hello? Can I set this hub
To the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club?
Crossing reset -- Nexus activate
In eleven seconds -- ten -- nine -- eight --
Alishaya -- George -- thank you. -- Thank *you*. You've got to go.
(Seven -- six -- five -- four --)
George, I... I... -- shh. Me, too. -- I know.
(Three -- two -- one -- )
[big whooshing SFX]
Everything I ever wanted, and I had to let him go,
But I never will forget him, and he'll think of me, I know,
Though a million light-years stand between us, he is still my friend,
I'll never be alone again.
[INSIDE the big whooshing SFX... sudden stop]
>>>>> Rules of Enragement
It worked! I'm back at Wimbledon,
I don't think they know I'm here,
They think all the heroes are dead and gone,
All we did was disappear.
Their genetic data was the key
To the robots' sneak attack.
But if I can reverse the polarity...
It might bring the heroes back!
That must be the machine that did it,
Oh, please, let this go off without a hitch,
Now, all I have to do is hit it --
Or, more specifically, hit that switch --
*splorch*
[reverse buildup energy noises]
You idiots! What are you doing?
We did nothing, sir! -- Well, watch for an attack!
Wait a moment -- it's reversed the polarity...
And that means, if we don't shut it down...
[lots of VOOPing noises as heroes reappear all around them]
We're ba-a-ack.
>>>>> Hey, didn't you die?
Hey! Didn't you die? [whack]
I don't think so.
Did Huffelbaggins lie? [krunch]
Could be.
Where did they come from? [biff]
How did they get here? [wham]
Why are they hitting me? [stuff bash bonk]
That was a really amazing adventure [kick]
We'll have to trade notes when there's time [splunch]
For now, disassemble those nasty machines there,
We'll take out the kingpins of crime! [AAAH!]
Huffelbaggins, you cretin!
They didn't die! [whack]
You said that the heroes'
Brains would fry! [whomp]
I said between dimensions, their thoughts would be scrambled
Well, so much for good intentions, sir, we've lost what we gambled,
There are sixty angry heroes here, all hot upon our trail,
If you don't have an escape plan, then we'll all end up in jail.
And, quite frankly, sir, given all this horrid mess you've made,
I'm decidedly inclined to give them *you*, sir, as a trade.
>>>>> The Rise And Fall Of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III
NO!
I will not be imprisoned with the ordinary rabble,
I am Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins,
The Third,
I've no loyalty or love to those buffoons within my cabal,
It's no time for delay or lollygagging --
My word!
You're the fellow who attacked me with this robot, which then sent me
A million light-years from my planet --
Get away!
But now I've got the controls, and I was wondering if it went the
Other way if I reverse and then jam it?
NOOO!
[into the vortex]
-- GUH! What -- where --
Yo ho! On we go! Way hey! All the way!
Yo ho! On with the show! Way hey! A slaughter today!
Ahoy! Ahoy there!
Look, mates! Another one!
And who be ye?
I am Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third!
You believe it? 'Ere, he's royalty! Now what's the chance? Absurd!
Well, I wonder if she'd like you deep-fried, scrambled, poached, or shirred....
[Sis Boom Ba noise]
>>>>> With Great Power Comes Great Power Bills
When you put on the uniform, pull on the tights,
Squeeze into costume, go out in the lights,
You know that you're going to get into fights,
And some of them you lose.
When you go for the action, there's always the chance
That you'll end up in traction from one deadly dance,
But we're of the faction that finds the romance
In the way of life we choose.
With great power comes great power bills,
Every day that we play, we must pay for the thrills,
But we're rewarded with curing society's ills,
At least as much as we can,
Don't underestimate the power of one man.
George, is it? George, you have saved the Hero League.
More than that, you've saved the world.
I'm sure that accolades, endorsement contracts, and ancillary merchandising
will start pouring in, but all we have to offer you is our sincere thanks.
You're quite welcome, sir.
And membership in the Hero League.
Membe -- ME!? In the League?
Whaddaya say, George?
HOLD IT!
Angela?
Hold it right there. He's known as... the Waffle!
YAY!
You can feel the electricity down to your socks,
Don't try something illicit, or you're in for a shock,
We're all summa cum laude in the School of Hard Knocks,
So you better spread the news.
With great power comes a great power bill,
And we know that the program we go with can kill,
But we know we can win, and we know that we will,
We swear we'll make you proud
So sing it really loud.
You can
Be a superhero, you just have to care,
And leave everyplace better than when you were first there,
Give yourself just one chance, and you'll take to the air,
Forever standing tall,
Inside every one of you is the greatest
Su... per... hero of them all!
Angela, how is it that you always show up just in time to keep the plot going?
Mmmm, let's just keep that my little secret... until next year.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 06:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 06:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 06:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 07:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 07:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 07:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 07:58 pm (UTC)yeah - i like :)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 08:03 pm (UTC)If my taxes are a few minutes too late, it's your fault. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-19 03:05 am (UTC)mutter mutter :)
Date: 2005-04-15 08:09 pm (UTC)I look forward to hearing this at some point. Well done. :)
Re: mutter mutter :)
Date: 2005-04-15 08:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 08:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-19 03:00 am (UTC)Wow!
Date: 2005-04-15 09:17 pm (UTC)*grin, duck and run*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-15 10:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-19 03:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-16 12:30 am (UTC)(How about that for an album title? *g*)
I'll be pointing my Champions group to this page now...
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-16 12:32 am (UTC)(Of course, I also find the moment in The Incredibles where Dash realizes that he is, in fact, fast enough to run on top of the water to be a tearjerking moment, so maybe I'm easy on this point.)
(And others, but I'm REALLY getting off topic now. *g*)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-19 03:04 am (UTC)And several of the songs get to me, too. In fact, that's how I knew I was on the right track. If they don't get to me, why should I think they'll get to you?
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-17 04:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-19 03:05 am (UTC)Yay, dammit!!
Date: 2005-04-17 01:21 pm (UTC)Nipplemania,
-=ShoEboX=-
Wow
Date: 2005-04-17 03:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-18 04:26 pm (UTC)But I was not rhyming anything. Cheeses.
So I am first blown away by the sheer SCALE of this accomplishment. I think that when your fans think upon your body of work, what makes this one and last year's special may have a tendency to get lost in the general "Awe For Tom." But as a fellow creator of content, I have an intuitive feel for how difficult this must have been. I have to say I am more impressed by these two projects than anything you've ever done.
Commenting on the results, therefore, falls into the "how well does the dog walk on his hind legs" category. But even so, this is pro stuff. Your well-honed instincts for rhyme, meter, pace, dramatic tension...they all served you well when time to fiddle over each line was too much of a luxury. Truly, filk is your superpower.
Like the others, though, I know this will only really come to life when you perform it. I can't wait to witness that. *applauds, and applauds in advance*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-18 04:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-19 03:09 am (UTC)Hmmm. "Filk is my superpower". I like that. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-18 09:36 pm (UTC)Wow, this is the second year straight that you used my ideas. ("Divided Royalties" and "Rules Of Enragement.")
And--cool, Tom, and I can't wait to buy it!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-19 02:58 am (UTC)Second, the chances of my getting it done before PenguiCon are, at this point, nil. I have too many other real-world things that must be dealt with, several of which popped up in just the past two days. Unless I get wildly lucky on arrangements Thursday and Friday, it ain't gonna happen by the con.
Which does not mean it ain't gonna happen, and soon.
The more I look at this, the more I think I hit the jackpot. I want this one done right. And if I can't get it done before then, I will have it, both as a download and a CD-R, for MarCon. And I will perform at least a couple of the songs at PenguiCon.
I promise I'll keep you all posted.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-27 01:07 am (UTC)I heard your bits and pieces of this at Penguicon, and frankly I was blown away. I'm fairly local to you (East Lansing) and I studied theatre tech in undergrad (now I'm in law school, just a skip away from theatre)
I'm wondering if you'd be interested in letting me get a group of fans together (once you've put this out and pressed a few copies and sold it and so on) to actually produce this at a con? I'm of course thinking ConClave right here in EL would be easiest for me -- I have access to theatre people, the venue, etc, etc, and that'd give quite a bit of time to get stuff sorted.
Heck, we could even try to tech/reherse/perform in 24 hours, in keeping with the challenge.
Any road, this is just a vague suggestion that I'd love to run with; obviously I don't expect any kind of yay or nay until after the recording is done and I've bought my copy!
Peace, Laurie