Happy April Fool's Day

[filkertom]

Rather than play practical jokes, let's tell jokes instead.

How many nannies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it's a little tricky getting the diaper to stay in place.

Comments

[timemachineyeah.livejournal.com]

There's a little atom, and he's crying. Another atom goes up to the little atom and asks, "Why are you crying, little atom?"

The little atom cries "A big atom came and stole one of my electrons!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

[lapislaz.livejournal.com]

As long as we are going with lightbulb jokes...

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?



The answer? Just two.

[kshandra]

...but don't ask me how they got in there....

[laurel-potter.livejournal.com]

Elquest related -- How many elves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Elves don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in trees.

The political lightbulb

[randwolf.livejournal.com]

How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

  None--the invisible hand will do it.

How many Maoists does it take to change a lightbulb?

  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution, comrade!

[whouseknecht.livejournal.com]

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

One to screw the bulb in, and one to not screw the bulb in.

[cjfringe.livejournal.com]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

a) Two. One to fill the bathtub with metal parts and the other to ignite the giraffe.
b) Fish.

[jcw-da-dmg.livejournal.com]

I always heard: "Potato".

[jss]

I heard it as "One to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored machine parts, and the other to squeeze the newborn piglet," but yeah.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

[min0taur.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, please do paint the giraffe blue. Never set giraffes on fire...

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

[armb.livejournal.com]

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, to hand it to a psychologist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved joke.

[tigertoy.livejournal.com]

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None -- the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

[ann-totusek.livejournal.com]

How many Minbari does it take to change a light bulb?

Nobody knows- they quit halfway through and won't tell you why.

[gridlore.livejournal.com]

How many Centauri does it take?

One. But in glorious days of the Empire, hundreds of slaves would change light bulbs at your slightest whim!


How many Vorlons does it take?

You are not ready for illumination.

[liddle-oldman.livejournal.com]

*snort*

And, Icon love!

[min0taur.livejournal.com]

Icon love here too. I see you've been to Woking!

[gridlore.livejournal.com]

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?

26. One to change the bulb, five to tape the changing, and twenty who complain loudly that the lighting was much better when Keith was with the band.

[dornbeast.livejournal.com]

How many pretentious artists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, two to critique the work.

...mystery writers?

Two. One to remove the old bulb and put the new one in partway, the other to give it that little twist at the end.

...evil telepaths?

"You will change my lightbulbs."
"I will change your lightbulbs."

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

How many Oregonians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to do the work and four to drink microbrew.


How many Portlanders does it take to change a lightbulb?

Twelve, so that five will show up.

(pause)

(sigh)

OK. Two dyslexics walk into a bra...

[jss]

Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one would've seen it.

[laurel-potter.livejournal.com]

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

Lies awake wondering whether or not there really is a dog.

[jcw-da-dmg.livejournal.com]

The dyslexic, schizophrenic, insomnniac agnostic stays up all night arguing with himself about whether or not there is a dog.

[ifics.livejournal.com]

How many filkers does it take to change a light bulb?

One changes it, another writes a filk about it, and then another filker will parody it tto Fuel to Feed the Drive...

[jcw-da-dmg.livejournal.com]

How do you know when your girlfriend's too fat?
She sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
You haven't, really? They're making headlines.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark . . .

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knocking keeps getting faster and he doesn't know when to come in.

How do you get a bass player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

What do you call a woman who can suck a pingpong ball up a forty foot garden hose?
Darling.

[jss]

> How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
>Never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark . . .

... All alone. By the phone that never rings.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

And you go out, and have a nice time, and don't worry about your lonely old mother sitting home alone in the dark...

[madrona.livejournal.com]

And here I thought the answer to the last one was..."Gainfully Employed"

[tigertoy.livejournal.com]

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
You haven't, really? They're making headlines.

ROFL!

[youngcurmudgeon.livejournal.com]

This band is really having a great night -- the crowd's really into them, they're playing beautifully, their energy's up, everything. The lead singer's thinking, "Wow, this is awesome. We're gonna get really big, and I'll make a crapload of money." The lead guitarist is thinking, "Oh, man, this is so great. Afterwards, there'll be so many girls backstage, and I'll get to sleep with all of them!" The drummer is thinking, "Dude, this rocks. And after the show, I'm going to do so many drugs that I won't remember how to walk!"

And the bassist is thinking, "A ... C ... G ... C ..."

Rene Descartes walks into a bar

[capplor.livejournal.com]

The bartender asks him, "Would you like a light beer?"
He answers, "I think not" and immediately vanishes.

[purpleranger.livejournal.com]

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Klingons are NOT afraid of the dark!

How many Power Rangers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Power Rangers don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in Megazords.

A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar. The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "Did you hear the one about us?"

[jcw-da-dmg.livejournal.com]

So this guy walks into a bar and sees a nun, a rabbi and a priest. Onstage singing is an elephant being illuminated by a single light bulb. The bartender asks the guy, "What is this - some kind of joke?"

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

[tomreedtoon.livejournal.com]

All right, my favorite joke (from a book by the late H. Allen Smith) which comes closest to explaining my philosophy of life.

A beautiful secretary is approached by her boss. "Hey, would you like to spend the weekend with me?" She knew what she was in for, but she had no objections - he was a nice guy and really hot - so she said "Okay."

"All right," he said. "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning, and I'll drive you to the marina where my yacht is harbored." And he went back into his office.

Just then, she realized, "I get seasick easy." So that night, on her way home, she stopped by the drug store, went to the pharmacist and said, "I'd like some birth control pills and some seasickness pills."

The pharmacist looked at her funny, and then said, "Excuse me, lady. It's none of my business. But if it affects you that way, why do you do it at all?"

[fuuberry.livejournal.com]

Here's one my boyfriend's mother told me:

There's a plane about to crash that has four passengers on it: David Beckham, George W. Bush, Pope Benedict XVI, and a little boy, but the plane only has three parachutes.
David Beckham says, "I'm a famous sports star and people love me, so I'm going to take a parachute," and he jumps out of the plane.
George W. Bush then says, "I'm the President of the United States and the smartest man in the world, I'm going to take the second parachute," and he jumps out of the plane.
Pope Benedict XVI turns to the little boy and says, "I'm just an old man, and I've lived my life. You're still young and deserve to live, you should take the last parachute."
The little boy shakes his head and says, "Pope, neither of us needs to die. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack."

[scruffycritter.livejournal.com]

What's the difference between a blonde and a lawyer?
The blonde quits screwing you when youre dead.

How do you tell the difference between a male blond and a female blonde?
The female blonde has the higher sperm count.

[partiallyclips.livejournal.com]

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a light bulb? A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

[liddle-oldman.livejournal.com]

Heh.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but it's tricky getting them in there.

[liddle-oldman.livejournal.com]

Damn, I was late. Ok, how many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis ladder.

[archiver-tim.livejournal.com]

How many microsoft engineer's does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They declare 'dark' to be the new standard.

-Ryan

[min0taur.livejournal.com]

Okay, one for my long-suffering bandmates:

Q: How do you get the lead guitarist to turn it down?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

[bchbum-98.livejournal.com]

A woman walks into a brewpub and asks, "what do you have on tap that tastes like Coors Light?".......Water