A Prairie Home Heads-Up

[filkertom]

This week is The Joke Show.

Let's have our own Joke Show. Kindly post a work-safe joke here.

Mine is swiped from the PHC newsletter: Why do grocery store check-out clerks have such a hard time deciding between paper or plastic?

Becase baggers can't be choosers.

Comments

Five Surgeons

[indyellen.livejournal.com]

(SFW unless you object to a single "bad" word.)

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Swiped from my own LJ

[louisadkins.livejournal.com]

In his time after The Enterprise, before he became a Diplomatic agent for the Klingon people, Worf became fascinated with food. Not just any food, mind you, but new and exciting food. His creations and discoveries in this manner brought him wide-spread acclaim, and some honor. Seeing profit in this, a Ferengi entertainment producer signed Worf on for a 5 year contract, and gave him his own Vid show. The show was an instant hit in the galactic community, but did not (at first) catch on with the Klingon community. Finally, it was suggested that they rename the vid show for the Klingons - which did the trick. And so it came to be that Worf was known as the daredevil chef of his own cooking show: Extreme Worf-Fare.

[ladystarblade.livejournal.com]

(LOL, in the same vein, an oldie but goodie...)

How many ears does Spock have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

(Stil cracks me up every time...)

[rochndil]

OK, this is an OOOOOLLLLDDD one.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?





Because he was dead.


Kids love this one.

Rochndil, who enjoys corrupting the minds of other people's kids...

[per_solo]

What's even more sad is, I remember this mainly from a BAD movie, with Andrew Dice Clay as the teller of said joke.

Argh...now I've got the entire movie running Fast Forward in my brain. Thank you. :-P

[kakita-shisumo.livejournal.com]

There was this one time when Jesus was about seven years old. He was doing what most seven-year-olds do, with an extra helping of miracles - running around the house, knocking dishes off shelves, tugging on the cat's tail, running back and forth across the surface of the bathtub water - and Mary was just about at her wit's end. Finally, after hearing a third crash of pottery from the living room, this one meaning her wedding vase was no more, she stormed out of the kitchen to confront her son. "Jesus! What is wrong with you? Were you born in a- oh yeah."

[batyatoon]

So it's years later, Jesus has grown up and turned into the radical reformer street-preacher dude we all know and love. And he comes upon an angry mob of citizens about to stone a whore name of Mary Magdalene. He steps between the mob and their victim, raises his hands, and shouts "Let him among you who is without sin cast the first stone!"

The mob starts muttering, a little ashamed -- 'cause none of them are really without sin, are they, which was sort of his whole point -- and it looks like the whole thing might blow over when suddenly a single stone flies out of the crowd and hits Magdalene, WHAM.

Jesus looks into the crowd to see who did it, and wails in exasperation: "MOOOM!"

[fraggedone.livejournal.com]

Work-safe, huh? I'll have to go for the worse of the two pirate jokes that I know off the top of my head:

How do you know if someone's a pirate?












They just ARRRRRRR!

[aiela.livejournal.com]

Oh man, pirate pun jokes are the best!

Where do pirates go after work?

The baaaaaarrr!

[sokmunky.livejournal.com]

What do zombie plumbers say?











DRAAAAAAINSSSSS

[jss]

Answers hidden, highlight text to view:
What do zombie conductors run? Traaaaaains.
What do zombie pilots fly? Plaaaaaanes.
What do zombie electicians splice? Maaaaaaains.
What do zombie meteorologists predict? Raaaaaaains.
What do zombies into bongage like using? Chaaaaaains.
What birds do zombies like best? Craaaaaanes.
What do construction zombies drive? Craaaaaanes!
And finally, what do zombies find these jokes, relative to their existance? Baaaaaaanes.

That's enough of that. :-)

[filkertom.livejournal.com]

Not quite.

What entertainment family has had their collective careers become undead, so now they have to feed off others?

WAAAAAYAAAANS....

[argentee.livejournal.com]

What do vegan zombies eat? Graaiiins.

[neadods.livejournal.com]

My father, the engineer's favorite:

A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer were arrested during the French Revolution and taken by tumbril to the guillotine.

The priest was up on the block first. They pulled the lever... and nothing happened. "It is the will of God that you free me, for I am innocent!" he cried, and what could they do? They let him go.

The lawyer was up next. Again, they pulled the lever. Again, the blade refused to drop. "You must let me go because to execute me again would be double jeopardy!" he shouted. So they let him go, because the law was the law.

The engineer was up last. Lever down. No blade. He squirmed around until he was face up on the block, squinted upwards, and said "I think I see your problem..."

[daundelyon.livejournal.com]

Both the joke and the icon are brilliant.

[holzman.livejournal.com]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return when you throw it?

...


A STICK!!!!!!!!!!

[batyatoon]

What's brown and sticky?





...

A STICK!!!!!!!

[pixel.livejournal.com]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?




Dung!

[partiallyclips.livejournal.com]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A carrot.

[filkertom.livejournal.com]

But, Cap'n -- I be on Adkins....

[salkryn.livejournal.com]

Avast ye lubber! It's ATKINS...If ye want an Adkins, I be the man ye're lookin' fer.

[markbernstein.livejournal.com]

I just picked up the latest edition of the PHC "Pretty Good Joke Book". This is from that.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: Doesn't matter - he won't come anyway.

[pixel.livejournal.com]

(reposted to correct typo)
What do you call a cow with no legs?






Ground beef.

----------
What do you call a cow with shorter left legs than right legs?







Lean beef.

[r-caton.livejournal.com]

I knew a feller who had a dog with no legs...
he called it "Woodbine" 'cause he'd take it out for a drag once in a while.

[espressosnail.livejournal.com]

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

It has great food but no atmosphere.

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

The only "Helen Keller" joke that ever made me laugh....

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her for cussing?


Answer: They washed her hands...with soap.

[youngcurmudgeon.livejournal.com]

I've got the best ever Hellen Keller joke, but it's highly NSFW. So, abiding by Ze Rules ...

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a soprano?



Jewelry.

Helen Keller's punishment

[thatcrazycajun.livejournal.com]

Wrong. They rearranged the furniture. :-)

[lanchid.livejournal.com]

My all-time favorite:

A man walked into a bar.

And said, "Ow."

[gan-chan.livejournal.com]

Two guys walked into a bar...the third one ducked.

[r-caton.livejournal.com]

A Brain and a Battery go into a bar and are refused service....
On demanding the reason why, the Barman says to the Brain "You're out of your head already and yer mate looks like he's gonna start something!"

[armb.livejournal.com]

What says "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"?

A parroty error.

[unclelumpy.livejournal.com]

Ms. Peach is teaching her 1st grade class and says "Alright, children. Today I'd like each of you to stand up and tell me what one of your parents does for a living."

Little Suzy stands up and says "My Daddy is a fireman."

Little Billy stands up and says "My Mommy is a lawyer."

Then little Tommy stands up and says "My Daddy is a drug-dealer."

Ms. Peach immediately takes little Tommy outside the classroom and says "Tommy, is that true? Is your Daddy really a drug-dealer?"

Little Tommy looks down at his feet and says "Naw, but I was too embarrassed to say he plays starting lineup for the Cubs."

[filkertom.livejournal.com]

In an alternate universe, Tommy said, "My daddy's dead."

"Oh," the teacher says. "I'm so sorry. Well, what did he do before he died?"

Tommy said, "He went, 'HHHHHHKKAAHUUAAAHHHHH'."

[warinbear.livejournal.com]

Actually, you know, not all grocery store check-out clerks have a hard time making that decision. Some of them are bi-sack-sual.

[trdsf.livejournal.com]

AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! That's going to leave a mark in the morning!

[bchbum-98.livejournal.com]

A woodchuck comes into a saloon and sits down. "Is the bar tender here?"

[batyatoon]

A man walked into a saloon in the Old West wearing a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper chaps, and paper boots with paper spurs.

He was arrested.

For rustlin'.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

Why do computer programmers get confused about Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

[jss]

A woman goes into her dentist's office. She says she has a toothache. He looks and says, "Madam, I'm afraid you'll need a root canal."

She says, "Ooh, I'd rather have a baby!"

He replied, "Make up your mind: I've got to adjust the chair."

[jss]

A rabbi and priest have been friends for years, despite the priest gently trying to convert his friend to Catholicism. They go golfing every Wednesday, and this week was no exception.

So they're on their way to the golf course where this truck comes out of nowhere and sideswipes their car. They go off the road, the car flips over and over several times, before coming to rest on its roof in the ditch. They both crawl out of the car, and the rabbi moves his right hand up, down, right, and left. The priest is astonished and says, "Rabbi! At last you've seen the light and converted!"

The rabbi replies, "What light? What converted? I'm making sure it's all still here: Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch!"

[trdsf.livejournal.com]

I can't share my favorite because it's an ethnic joke--and I'm of the "aggrieved" ethnic group!--so I suppose it's NSFW for social reasons. So I'll share this one instead:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls 9-1-1: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "Okay, now what?"

[jss]

A rabbi, a Protestant minister, and a Catholic priest are discussing how much of the money they collect in their charity baskets to the church or synagogue.

The priest says, "I stand at the bottom of a flight of stairs and throw the money into the air. What lands on the stairs I give to the church, and I keep what falls to my feet."

The minister says, "That's funny. I stand at the bottom of a flight of stairs and throw the money into the air. What lands by my feet I give to the church, and I keep what lands on the stairs."

The rabbi says, "You're both amateurs. I stand at the bottom of a flight of stairs, and throw the money into the air. And what God wants, he keeps!"

[alicetheowl.livejournal.com]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?







Fsh.

(Works a lot better aloud.)

[r-caton.livejournal.com]

What d'ye call a man with a seagull on his head? CLIFF!
What d'ye call a man with a spade in his head? DOUG!
What d'ye call a man with not a hair on his head? SHAWN!
What d'ye call a man with his head on a pike? Dead, usually....

[kakita-shisumo.livejournal.com]

This one's long. Forgive me.

You may have heard the story of Midas, the man whose touch turned everything to gold. You may not have heard the story of his servant, however, and the magic walking stick. You see, Midas eventually found a way to reverse his curse and undo all the transformations he caused - except, when this occured, Midas' favorite servant did not revert completely to human. His leg remained gold.

Now the gods looked down with pity on this man, cursed through no fault of his own, and so they cut down a magic pine and from it, carved a walking stick for him. Not only did the walking stick's power permit the man to get about with as much agility as he had had before the curse, but it also blessed him with long life and great prosperity, so that when he died he was far wealthier and happy than Midas himself had ever been.

Now, after the man's death, all his heirs wanted the stick for themselves, but it was mysteriously lost, and remaine that way for centuries. It became a thing of legend, sought by treasure-seekers and the like, but never found. And then one day, a forester wandering through a distant wood found it as he was preparing to lay his fire. He noticed nothing unusual about the stick, added it to his collection, and then that night cooked his steak over it, noting only that the steak was especially delicious for some reason. And so, the stick passed out of history.

When the end of the stick became known, sages everywhere nodded without surprise, for it has always been the way of human to grillt he spruce that aids the golden leg.

How Nice...

[argentee.livejournal.com]

A southern belle was hosting a visit from her northern cousin (they can happen even in the best of families). It had been a while since they had seen each other, and were catching up on the latest going ons in their lives.

The northern cousin tells the southern belle, "For my birthday, my husband gave me a fur coat and I just love wearing it. Not that you can wear fur down /here/."

And the southern belle just fans herself and says, "How nice."

The northern cousin goes on, "And for our anniversary, my husband gave me this gorgeous diamond tennis bracelet. Isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?"

And the southern belle just says, "How nice."

The northern cousin goes on, "And this fall, I graduated from Harvard Law, and I'll be joining my husband in his practice." She pauses, "Why cousin, I don't believe you ever went to college."

The southern belle fans herself, and says, "Why no, I went to Miss Grace's finishing school."

The northern girl scoffs, "Finishing school. What ever did you learn there?"

The southern belle fans herself, "Well, instead of telling some Northern bit to go to hell, they taught me to just say 'How nice'."

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?






Dam!

[bchbum-98.livejournal.com]

Give a man a fish and he's fed for a day;
Teach a man to fish and he's fed for the rest of his life;
Light a man's campfire and he's warm for a night;
Light a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.